MOVING FOWARD?

I finished my radiation and I’m told my skin looks good. (I’d hate to see what bad skin looks like). No more Shingles, either. Oh, yeah.......
My Radiation experience included blisters under my breast and then coming down with a yeast infection under my breast and then Shingles.

My Radiologist told me that I don 't complain enough. I have a high pain threshold which sometimes gets me in trouble. She would have started treating me sooner for Shingles if I Had screamed like most people. Instead I just say, "It hurts". Oh well........

I postponed my return Oncology appointment because I had come down with a bad chest congestion with cough sickness, but went a week later on May 14 because I wasn’t getting better. My regular Oncologist is still out on maternity leave, so I saw her Nurse Practitioner who I really like. She sent me for a chest xRay and I came home with a prescription of Levaquin for pneumonia. The Oncologist who is covering for mine came in to see me and told me that I was a candidate for either Tamoxifen or Arimidex. I should have asked “why” but honestly, I was so sick that all I could think about was getting something for my cough. Now I’m curious as to what he meant exactly.
Anyway, I came home with Arimidex (I’m very Postmenopausal) and was told to begin taking it when I feel better and come back a month after I begin taking it.

I had a lot of blood drawn before this visit for 3 Dr.’s (Onocogist, Radiation Oncologist & Endocrinologist). I received a message from my Endocrinologist that my TSH was a bit too high (4.03 when normal range is .40 - 4 MlU/L) & that she will continue to monitor it.

Yesterday, I received a 2nd email from her that I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency (My 25-Hydroxy D2 is <4 ; 25-Hydroxy D3 is 9 ; overall 25-hydroxy D is 9 when normal range is 25-80 mg/L). She wants me to take 50,000 units of Vitamin D, twice weekly on Monday and Thursday for 2 months, then have another blood test and see her a week after that. Should I be very concerned about this? Remember, I had Thyroid nodules biopsied before my Lumpectomy and they were not cancerous. I contacted Oncology to ask if this news affected me starting Arimidex and the Nurse Practitioner told me to still take it. Perhaps this deficiency explains why my left leg still hurts occasionally.

Radiation Therapy Continues, etc.

After I posted about my experience and first radiation treatment, on my next visit I told my RT’s about my son and his death. They were very understanding and asked about his machine and took me to their control room and showed me how their machine worked. This helped me A LOT and I’m doing OK with my radiation treatments. Also, my RT and assistant are women and so that helps,too.
Someone suggested I should get a prescription for Xanax. I don't think so. I have to drive myself to treatments so I’m not sure taking Xanax before I leave would be a good idea. Once I arrive, I check in and immediately go change into a gown and go sit in the waiting room. I never have to wait more than 5 minutes so far before one of my RT’s to come for me.
One strange thing is that my left arm began to hurt immediately after my first actual radiation. I have to lay with it positioned back over my head with my head turned to the right. The table is narrow, so my arm is mostly over the edge with gravity working against it. After my radiation, I’m not able to lift my left arm out of this position by itself and literally have to reach my right arm over to move my left arm. Once I’m up I can move my left arm but there is some residual pain near my armpit. I’m going to speak with my Radiologist on Thursday about this.
After rad camp, yesterday, I had a follow up Oncology appointment. My Oncologist had her baby prematurely so I met with her Nurse Practioner. I didn’t get to see my Oncologist for my last chemo either because it was on 12/27 and she was off for the Holidays. My vist with the NP went something like this:
Me: “I don’t think I’m over chemo yet.”
NP: “You’re joking, right?”
Me: “No”
NP: “listen, I’ve been meeting with patients all day who are 6 to 8 months out of chemo and they are still complaining about symptoms. Of course you’re not over chemo and on top of that you’re now getting Radiation. You still have fatigue from chemo and now as your body is tring to recover from that, Radiation is going to give you more fatigue.”

I like her. She went over my bloodwork. I’m still anemic but otherwise recovering. I told her about my arm and also how I still have bone pain and it’s always in my left leg. She said that could be a number of things but scheduled me for an ultrasound on my leg today just in case I have a blood clot.
I just realized as I’m writing this that even though I had to change into a gown, she didn’t examine me. I wonder if that was an oversight on her part as she was very late for my appointment and I had to remind her about my prescriptions. I finally got one for Ambien - yeah!
On Friday, I have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist about my thyroid. I have my fingers crossed that there are no changes.
Does anyone know how long it took them after chemo for their taste buds to return to normal? Everything still tastes bad to me. At least, I lost some pounds because of them ;-)

Radiation Therapy

I had my fist (of 33) Radiation treatments yesterday. I had 3 visits to Radiation last week to have my “pillow” made and 3 tattoos and a visit from my Radiology Oncologist who informed me that she would like to do treatments to my Nodes in addition to a full breast Radiation. Basically that means I get Radiation to near my collar bone, too. She told me there was some debate over Radiation to Nodes and it’s success but that because my cancer had spread which surprised them given the smallish size of my tumor, she wanted me to get it. She also said there was a slight risk that my left arm might swell. The way it works at Stanford, is that I’m assigned to one of their 6 machines used for breast cancer radiation so I always go to the same machine and every Thursday I meet with my Radiology Oncologist and/or her assistant.

After I met with her, I met with an RN to discuss skin treatment. Before she came, I was given a “stress” questionnaire basically asking questions about how I was feeling and if I was depressed, sad, or stressed about a number of topics like family, finances, treatments, etc. I marked “sad”. My questionnaire was taken by a medical asst. who said she would put it on the door of the exam room I was in. When the nurse finally came in, and asked how I was feeling (silly me assumed she had looked at the questionnaire) and I told her that I marked “sad” because I hadn’t realized how difficult lying under the radiation machines was for me because my son was an RT and operated a similar machine which rotated around you and he died 3 years ago. The truth is that I find it difficult to breath “normally” while on the machines because he always comes to my mind and I’m trying so hard not to cry making my breathing normally very difficult. She clearly was not prepaired for this and said,”well, can’t you look at this as a positive thing”? An invisible wall came up between us and every thing she said to me after this was sounded like “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah”
So, I’ve pretty much decided to just deal with this as best I can, which is what I’ve been doing all along, anyway. I did look at the handout the nurse gave me and I bought 100% aloe Vera and cetaphil cream along with unscented soap (Dove - which I think kind of stinks) and Tom’s natural deodorant without aluminum which was also recommended. The nurse also said no more hot baths, but I don’t think so.
Radiation #1 went OK. I thought of my son, shed a tear and willed myself to breath normally as best I could. In a couple of hours I leave for Radiation #2.

What&apos;s Happening To Me?

I almost ordered latkes at a restaurant today but decided Matso ball soup might taste better to my impared chemo taste buds. It was just barely OK. Had a bite of my husband’s corned beef which my before BC “me” used to love and hated it. The texture of meat and it’s now distorted or non existent flavor is hard for me to take. Came home to the stuffed cabbage I had made in a crock pot and hated it, too. Only the cabbage was semi tolerable. Chemo is turning this carnivore into a vegetarian.
Anyway Happy Hanuakah everyone!

I&apos;m So Hungry, But I Can&apos;t Eat

It's been 1 week since my last chemo and eating is a struggle right now. EVERYTHING tastes so horrible and the feel of food in my mouth is hard to get past. Water tastes horrible, too. Maybe, I’ll try an ice cream diet.

Ongoing Chemo Effects

My sense of smell is totally out of whack and I smell "dirty diapers" constantly. Also, my nose feels like water just went up it. And EVERYTHING tastes horrible. I just tried to eat rice with soy sauce. Could hardly taste the soy sauce, more like tasting the memory of what it tastes like. I could only eat about a cup full. I think I like drinking. Crystal light Pure better than water. Still taking Vicodin. My right arm has been hurting. And just like the last time, I'm very depressed.

Chemo 3 - Day 3 - Going Down For The Count

Had Chemo #3 on Dec. 6, then Nuelasta injection yesterday (Dec. 7) and today it's all really hitting. Feeling extremely fatigued and trying to avoid as much as possible the oncoming bone pain that is part of my Chemo treatment by taking Vicodin. Also feeling just generally unwell and sad that I will be out of it for my husband's birthday on the 12th. Oh well.......

HELP

OMG, was I wrong (foolish) (naive) about chemo. The first day (infusion day) was indeed doable. Scary, but doable. The next day, I had to return for a flu shot and an injection of Nuelasta, which they describe as an immune booster. They warned me that it can cause bone pain because this drug "tells" your bones to produce bone marrow.
On the third day I started to feel genuinely unwell - sick in general - really tired and ill with a persistent headache. But the fourth day was HORRIBLE. Nausea, a constant headache, feeling awful and sick along with an unrelenting pain in my bones. Think of the "growing pains" you had as a child that would make you cry and that is the closest analogy I can think of. I was rendered utterly useless and cowered in bed. Today is day 5. It's proven to be pretty much a repeat of day 4. CHEMOTHERAPY SUCKS.

CHEMO TIME

Today was my first day of chemotherapy. It was OK, actually. I tolerated it quite well, but I must admit that sitting in a comfy recliner for 4 hours getting poison infused into you can be exhausting.
I will be losing my hair which I've worn long for years. So to lesson the shock, I had it cut short last weekend. My daughter's best friend did it for me. Thank you, Katie!

Cha Cha Changes

Change of address to:

San Francisco Bay Area. :-)

Move also includes Breast Cancer. :-o

But, I did get these, too

BRRRRRR..........It's Cold in Santa Barbara-ish

I had thought to venture out for some wood - to the store, that is, because we have no wood stash but I think not.    It's cold and raining/hailing outside.   The local weather man said to watch out for this fast moving storm.   Possibility of a thunderstorm or two and snow levels could drop to 2,000 feet.    Uh Oh!    We live pretty darn close to that.

Here's what it's looking like here right now:

I just hope our internet holds out to be able to make this post.   We depend on satellite for both our TV and internet.   Interestingly, DirecTV does better in storms than Wildblue (our internet).

At least we still have electricity.   Living in an all electric home can be a challenge when there is no electricity.

Thunderstorms here are so rare.  I have to admit that I actually like them.   They remind me of my youth.   Always lived where there were thunderstorms before coming to California.

Of course, look at me!    I'm writing about the weather.   How boring is that. 

Well, quite frankly weather ins Santa Barbara never varies all that much.   That's a bit boring, don't you think?

SOMETIMES THE SIMPLE THINGS ARE THE BEST THINGS

Today,  I made some good old fashioned white bread just like my grandmother's.   I love making bread.  I especially love kneading the "live dough".   No bread machines for me.   They seem so impersonal.   Actual kneading by hand connects you more with the creation of a simple loaf of bread, at least for me.    I make bread quite often, actually.   I just never really think about it.   It never seemed blog worthy, but why not?


I've been making a whole wheat bread out of King Arthur White Whole Wheat Flour.   I never knew there was such a thing as white whole wheat flour before I saw it.  


But today, I wanted some white bread -  made with King Arthur Bread Flour.  

Is there anything quite as yummy as fresh homemade bread still warm with butter?

I don't think so.

And yesterday, I made some Apple Fritters.    They were/are delicious, too.   J.C. loves apple fritters.   The ones I made don't exactly taste like apple fritters one buys at a donut shop, but they are still a treat.

So, you see, dear readers, my life is still multi-faceted.

Even so:

I am attracted to

Melancholy.

I find it a

Comfortable

Fit.

Whenever I taste

It’s poignant

lolly

I think to myself,

That’s It!

This doesn’t

Mean

I’m negative.

It doesn’t mean

I’m blue.

It just means

That, for me,

Melancholy

Rings true.

Written 1/10/09 – 9:30 AM  (thinking of Leonard Cohen)

© 2009  Elizabeth Martin

GRIEF - It's Complicated, Really

One of the real reasons I blog so infrequently is because of my grief.    I thought I knew (before my son's death) that the death of a child must be hard.   But, in reality, I had no idea.   I have become a member of a horrific club.   It's one you never want to join:

We

Are

A

Fragmented

Cluster

Of

Sisters

Whose

Children

Are

No

More.

Society

Turns

It’s

Head

From

Us,

Wishing

Us

To

Hide

Our

Pain

And

Grief

And

Cover

Our

Souls

That

Tore

Under

The

Burden

Of

Having

Our

Children

No

More.

© Elizabeth Martin

I wrote this poem last night.   Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me.   These "awful" days come without warning and are hard to function in.    I have done a lot of reading on "grieving parents".    Isn't this such a non-label?   How is it that there is a term for women who have lost their husbands (widow) and men who have lost their wives (widower) and none for the most devastating loss of all?    

These "awful" days are normal.   I know that.   It's something that I and my "sisters" share.   It makes for "fragmented" communication between us.   One never knows what kind of day the other is having.   No one expects a response back on an "awful" day.

And the above poem brings me to another phenomenon I've experienced.    Right after my son's death, I began writing poetry.   It became an outlet for what I was feeling.   It was something I could not help but do.  It hurt to write.   It still does.   I've never written a poem without tears.    

Honestly, I rarely even read poetry before I began to write it.   Of course there were the famous poems we are taught in school.    I remember cringing if there was a poetry writing assignment.  And for good reason because my poetry was horrible.   Trust me on this. 

My daughter, Jane, turned me on to Emily Dickinson while she was a college student.   I love Emily Dickinson's Poetry.   I'll never forget the first poem she shared with me and our lengthy discussions about it:  Because I Could Not Stop For Death

This was long before Ben's death, of course.

And it was Jane, who majored in English and now teaches it,  that I turned to when I wrote my first poem.   I sent her an email titled:   "a poem (?)"

Can you correct/help?
Love.
mom>

And her response:

It doesn't need any help or corrections, it's a beautifully written poem.

This was what I sent her:

On Ben’s Death

Reality

My heart

Sinks

More each day

As

Awareness

Rises

That he is

Gone.

No more

Confidences

No more

Complaints

No more

Laughter

No more

Disagreements

No more

Small talk

No more

Reliability

No more

Annoyances

No more

Hugs

No more

My sinking

Heart

Holds this

Burden

Anchored by

Memories

© Elizabeth Martin

 So much has happened since this first poem.   Jane has since married and had her first child, a beautiful baby boy that she named Benjamin Chance (they call him "Chance").

One last poem - about those "awful" days:

Then

Come

Those

Days

Of

Debilitating

Pain

When

You

Live

In

A

Haze

Wanting

The

Light

To

Wane

And

For

Sleep

To

Rescue

You

And

Keep

You

Sane.

 © Elizabeth Martin

    writen on a particularly hard day 1/28/2010

Dear Readers,
I hope you don't mind this post.    It is an honest one.

Betty

NFL Playoff Game - San Diego Chargers vs New York Jets - 1/17/2010

Qualcom Stadium - 1/17/2010 - San Diego Chargers vs. New York Jets

We got a surprise invitation from our long time friends, Penny and Alan to go to the NFL Play-off game between the San Diego Chargers and the New York Jets this past sunday.   Of course, we accepted!
Even though it was a gloomy day and actually started raining near the end of the game, we had a fabulous time.    Penny and Alan's daughters and son in law had a fun and yummy tail-gate party before the game.   I had no idea how there was this "other world" of tail gaters!   You should have seen some of the parties there.   It was said that Rachel Ray was there to scan the food served.   We didn't see her but it was clear that everyone loved this part of the whole game day experience.   I even had a few people tell me that the tail gate party was the best part of the whole football game experience.

J.C., Carol, me, Alan & Penny

We have known Penny and Alan since 1970.   We lived next door to each other at UCLA Married Student Housing.  What a great experience that was!   Honestly, think of the movie "The Big Chill" and you will begin to know what I'm talking about.  Carol is Penny's best friend and they went to high school together.   Carol's husband, Bill, was kind enough to snap this picture of us.   As you can see, we were there pretty doggone early since the parking lot is still pretty empty.   We left at 8 AM and the kick off was at 1:40 PM.

After the game, we all parted ways and JC and I went to Escondido to see JC's sister, Melody, who was at her time share condo this week at Lawrence Welk Resorts.  Melody is not only my sister-in-law but my dearest and closest friend.  I have known her since she was 8 years old, when I first started dating her brother.  We immediately "took to each other" despite our age difference.  She still talks of how I took her with me to Los Angeles to look for an apartment for JC, Ben and I to live in before we were accepted to UCLA married student housing.    She couldn't believe I would take her on such an adventure.   She was great company even then.   We found a one bedroom apartment off Robertson Blvd. on Canfield Ave. that day.    Living there was a fun experience, also.   I hadn't realized it when I rented that we were the only "gentiles" in the entire building!   I didn't even know what that meant when I first heard it.   That's when we first discovered Canters Deli, a place we still frequent when in LA.   Even Melody goes there.

                                                                    Melody and I


Our daughter, Anne, also went to Lawrence Welf Villas with her two boys for the weekend.   Anne and her girlfriend, Kelli, had a condo booked for the weekend there in a newer section.  They have wonderful pool areas there and despite the weather, Jack and Hayden made the best of it:

                                                                                                                  

Hayden

                                                    Jack
I treasure each and every time I can get together with my family.

New Year - 2010

Hubby and I traveled to San Francisco on New Year's Eve and spent time with our 3 daughters and our 5 grandchildren. It was a very enjoyable visit. Hubby and daughters spent many hours throwing baseballs to our grandsons as they are getting ready to start Little League. My daughter's, Anne and Helen are really quite the athletes, themselves. They both played softball (among many other sports) in high school and while in Oregon, their team won the state championship. Helen was a catcher and Anne played shortstop and pitcher.

We also had some delicious food, of course and I had a great time teaching my granddaughter, Mia, how to make meatballs.

But the highlight of our trip was a family outing to Alcatraz, courtesy of my daughter, Anne.   It was a beautiful,  San Francisco day when we went.  

                                                                  And, oh the views!  

It was because of my grandson, Jack, that we went.   He had heard about Alcatraz and really wanted to go and see it.   He wanted to stay longer than we were able to.   When I got home, I ordered a children's book about a boy who lived on Alcatraz.    It was interesting to learn that families lived on Alcatraz.   There is an apartment building still there that housed them.    There are other smaller houses that are no longer there.    These all were for the guards and their wives and children.  
When you arrive, you are given a set of headphones (see Jack) and these provide you with a guided tour with interesting facts and stories about Alcatraz.

I'd go back in a heartbeat!   There's a night tour, too.   The lights of San Francisco would fantastic.
 I love San Francisco!

DECEMBER 26

Even though he hated it, there is no denying that the 26th of December was my son's birthday. My first child, my only son. I can remember in detail how I felt about that wonderful day......the excitement and the love. The love is still there. It always will be.

CHRISTMAS 2009

Annabel and Mia with Santa. Annabel is not too happy.


My husband and I had a very quiet Christmas alone at our home this year. It was the first Christmas Day in my life that I didn't have either parents or children in it. Because of that it was very unusual and I'm still contemplating how exactly I feel about it. However, I must say it was fine. In fact, it was pleasant in that there were no pressures of any kind associated with it. We didn't even have a Christmas tree. I really think I needed this type of (non) Christmas this year.
I spent the day knitting a new hat for Chance.

We had a "Kids say the Darndest Things" moment on Christmas Eve when we spoke with our 8 and 6 year old grandsons:

Us: So, Jack, what are you doing right now?
Jack: Listening to the music from "Glee".
Us: You really like this TV show. How are you listening to it?
Jack: on an iPod.
Us: What did you have for dinner?
Jack: Mashed potatoes, peas, roast and salad.
Us: That sounds delicious. Can we talk to your brother, Hayden, now?

Us: So, Hayden......We hear you are listening to the music from Glee.....
Hayden: Yes, but I don't like it.
Us: What kind of music do you like?
Hayden: Ummmmm........Disney music.
Us: Well, maybe you can listen to Disney music and Glee music.
Hayden: Yes, I'd like that.
Us: So, what did you eat tonight, Hayden?
Hayden: Ummmmm.......mashed potatoes, these carrot thingies and Ummmmmmmmmmmm Cow!

I love these candid moments!!!!!

VACATION WITH THE KITTIES

This past weekend we had to leave our cozy cabin home because it needed to be tented for termites. That meant all living creatures must leave. That meant we had to take all four of our cats with us. We chose to go to our daughter, Anne's home in San Diego. Anne was not thrilled with the idea of "All" of us coming, but I reminded her that even though we do have 4 cats, no one ever suspects this since our 2 female cats hide whenever there is company. I also reminded her that I never complained any of the times when she or her sisters had brought all of their pets with them while visiting us. Anne said our cat's would have to stay in the garage. After all, she has a new condo.
Since it's been really cold in California lately I was worried that our pampered kitties would be miserable if they had to stay in the garage. It was in the 30's when we left our home. My husband assured me not to worry. I wasn't all that sure about this whole outing.



But, I had forgotten that my husband was still the head of our household. When we arrived, he promptly brought all four cat carriers into Anne's home and announced to everyone that this was quite an occasion. It was the CAT'S FIRST VACATION!

He opened up all 4 doors of the carriers and ..................................nothing happened. An hour later...........Still nothing. We finally dragged our most adventurous cat, Rocko, out of his carrier. He was fine. Then we took Ernie our Maine Coon cat out. He went right back in. Then Lucy oUr most "scared" cat. Lucy promptly joined Ernie in his carrier. We just left little Miss Kitty, our tortie cat alone at this point. Some vacation!

All along, I had been thinking that it would really be more of a "Cat Reunion" since Anne has another cat rescued by my daughter, Jane, named Frank. Frank is an orange tabby that Anne took in because he was terrorizing our two females. We discovered that Frank is still a bully cat. Only Rocko seemed to get along with him, although eventually, all cats settled in for the most part in my grandson's bedroom so anyone who came to the house would be hard pressed to realize there were any cats in Anne's condo. Seriously!

It was also, my husband's birthday this past weekend. He said he had one of the best birthdays ever.



That made the whole "tenting for termites", "Cat Vacation" worth while! He deserved a nice birthday.











(I know..........I'm a horrible picture taker)

THANKSGIVING 2009

The best part of Thanksgiving this year was having all of my Grandchildren together in one place. Aren't they beautiful?
It's so nice to interact with each one individually, too. My daughter, Anne, decided not to get a Wii for Christmas this year for her two sons after seeing that it caused so much negativity while the boys played it at my middle daughter's house.

Our newest Grandson, Chance, has grown so much. Mia's hair is still as curly as ever and Annabel's beginning to really converse.

We had a wonderful meal. I got up at 4:30 AM to prepare, but it was worth it.

Ben was missing..................
I'll never get used to that.

So Much For Wishes

I woke up this morning just before total sunrise and noticed my cat Ernie sitting in the window beside me intently watching something outside. If you've lived with a cat long enough you can recognize when they are casually looking out the window or not. So, I, too, looked out the window and saw what Ernie was so interested in. A small animal was walking up the driveway like he owned the place. It was a skunk.
Now I think I know that the wish I expressed in the email i wrote to my daughters 10 days ago didn't come true:

"Dear...............
I opened the front door to call for the cats, Ernie and Rocko, to come in last night and the first thing I notice are two splayed out tails sticking up in the air just to the left of the door like they are looking under the green cabinet that is there and I think, "Oh, they must be after that mouse/rat that I've seen hanging around outside" and I start to talk to them and telling them it's time to come in. They didn't flinch which is no surprise when they are "on" to something. Then I look closer and see that both tails have white on them and think that's strange because only Rocko has white on his tail.

Then I notice that the white is in the middle of both tails - a wide swath of white down the length of the tails and realize.......

SKUNKS!!!!!!

There were two skunks there...........

They had broken into the bag of trash I had set there earlier because it was getting dark and I didn't feel like taking it all the way to the trash cans in the dark.



Just then Rocko came running up and wanted IN fast, before the skunks took note of him. I opened the door for him and called for Ernie but he didn't come. Dad came and started yelling at the skunks and they left.

I repacked the bag they had broken into and put it inside to be taken out this morning because I knew they would come back for more if given half a chance. About a half hour later I called for Ernie and he came right in.
I have a feeling that he was there all along but didn't want to chance the skunks.


I sure hope the skunks were just passing through.........."

So, dear readers, you have a glimpse of my real life. It's not what most people imagine when they hear that I live in Santa Barbara, California. Oh, and about my garbage. There's no garbage man that comes and gets mine. I have to make trips to the dump, myself for that. The only good thing about that is that I pay a lot less for trash disposal. But if you were to include my time and effort, then maybe I'm not getting that good of a deal, after all. (sigh)

LOVE and FIRE!!!!!!!!

It is now the 4th day of fire where I live. What a week this has been. On Thursday, April 30th, my youngest daughter, Jane, got married on the Santa Barbara Courthouse lawn. It was a lovely, immediate family only, wedding on an absolutely picturesque day in Santa Barbara.

From left to right: Best friend, Tracy, sister Helen, Jane, James, sister, Anne.



Jane and James's picked this date because it is the day between both of their birthdays. Jane's birthday is April 29th and James' birthday is May 1st. It was a wonderful day.


It was another "first" for me in that Jane asked me do make all the bouquets for her wedding. I admit I had a moment of panic , but I did a "trial" run the weekend before and felt confident enough after that to make them.





Jane walked down the isle to the Rolling Stones' song, "Lady Jane". Jane and I had always thought this would be a unique and beautiful song for her wedding because it is such a melodic song with a harpsichord playing and the words included not only her name but that of her older sister, Anne. Part of their service included a surprise for everyone. Both James' mother and myself were called up front and handed an envelope. When we opened them, we discovered ultrasound pictures of their baby with the news, "It's a Boy"!

After the service Jane and James walked out to the tune, "Sweet Child of Mine" as a tribute to our late son, Ben.


Later that day, Jane told me that they were planning on naming their baby, Benjamin Chance", and call him "Chance".


We had a wonderful weekend with both the Gilmore and Martin families. Then, my oldest daughters and families went to Palm Springs and Jane and James went home to begin their married life together. My husband and I went to Palm Springs, also. The weather there was hot and beautiful.








On our way home to Santa Barbara we were stuck in traffic in Los Angeles and turned on the radio for the traffic report when we heard the "Breaking News", "Fire in Santa Barbara". I immediately called my nearest neighbor and was reassured that for the moment, we were not in the path of the fire. Since we arrived home, we have been monitoring the fire and it has been absolutely crazy. Our weather is all over the place. It's over 100 degrees Fahrenheit wherever the fire is at it's peak, but not where I live just a few miles from it's eastern boundary. But we have had high winds for days, switching directions constantly. We have also had intermittent power outages and go to bed not knowing what will happen with the fire at night. We woke up this morning (May 8th) to the news that one end of the fire is creeping towards us. I shouldn't really say, "creeping" because when it moves, it moves fast, driven by the winds. This morning the winds are toward us. We are hoping that they will shift as the day goes on. The last fire, we had to pack everything near and dear to us and were ready to flee at a moment's notice. I truly do no want to do that again. But I have learned the bitter lesson that life does what it does, with no matter to my wishes.



This is a picture of the fire in the mountains near where I live. There is a lot of dry underbrush to feed this fire. If you add wind to the mix, then the possibility of it spreading gets much higher. We have our SUV parked facing out in case we need to load up the cats and what is most important and leave quickly. To where, I do not know.........

It's been an indescribable past 11 months. First, the birth of our granddaughter, Annabel, the unexpected death of our oldest child and only son, Ben, three major fires, one of which we are in the midst of now, the wedding of our youngest daughter, and the news of a new grandson on his way. Life is whirling around me, with my emotions being pulled in opposite directions. I am but a witness to it all.

EZ's Surplice Baby Jacket

This was a project that I put down for some reason and as usual had no notes along with it for me to remember what it was or where I was in the pattern. I usually leave the pattern with a knitting work in progress but not this time. Thank goodness for Ravelry as I was able to find the pattern for it just by typing in "cross over cardigan" under baby patterns. That's how I found out that the pattern was in the Spring/Summer 2007 Vogue magazine which luckily I still had and it was easy to figure out that I had cast on for the larger version of this and where I was in the pattern. That's where the easy part ended for me. I've never knit one of Elizabeth Zimmerman's origami-like patterns and I really got confused at one point. My mind clearly does not work like Elizabeth Zimmerman's. Sad, too, because we share the same first name and even one of my grandmother's maiden last name was Zimmerman. You would think that would give me an edge, right?
So, I asked Aiga, aka Sockpr0n on Ravelry for help and she was fantastic and generous of her time. Like so many others, I added on to the original sleeve length. I knit mine in stockinette and then used a picot bind off to make it more "girly". I knit with Atacama 100% alpaca in color 515. I liked the yarn but probably should have used a more easy to care for yarn to make my daughter's life a bit easier. This will fit my 2 year old Granddaughter, Mia and then hopefully later her sister, Annabel.
The interesting thing about this pattern is that there are buttonholes literally all along the bottom, making the fit adjustable. However, I don't think I'll knit this one again. It made me realize that I'm just not that crazy about garter stitch garments and also that I really prefer solid or near solid colorways. It also made me realize that I'm not much interested in knitting EZ's Baby Surprise Sweater. Both are garments knit mysteriously in one piece and then fold to become an actual sweater. If you are interested in either of these patterns, Meg Swansen has it for sale at her Schoolhouse Press site.

Interestingly, I asked my British Son in Law's mother, who has knitted all her life, if she knew who Elizabeth Zimmerman was and she had never heard of her.

And about the name, Zimmerman. Once upon a time I was a office/ranch manager at an Ostrich Farm and the owner was German. Not American German but his home was actually in Germany. I told him one day about my Grandmother's maiden name being Von Zimmerman and I will never forget his reply. "IMPOSSIBLE! " Von" implies aristocracy, he said. And "Zimmerman" means carpenter man. There is no aristocrat carpenter man". Of course my boss's last name also had the prefix, "Von". I guess he told me. Ahhhh, that was an interesting job experience.
It really was.

At Last, a Finished Object

I've finally finished the Checkered Heart baby pullover sweater! I had started this well over a year ago, put it down (without any notes about what the pattern was or where I was in it) as usual. I hate that I do this but I never seem to learn my lesson. I always put projects down with the intention that I will get right back to it. Good intentions but bad knitting practice. The pattern is a blending of two pullovers in Little Badger Knitwear, but with a twist. I change the yarn used to fingering instead of what the patterns actually call for to "size down" the sweater for my needs. I started this with the birth of my first grandchild, Jack.
His father is British and I wanted to knit a Union Jack sweater. The only pattern I could find was in a Debbie Bliss book, Nautical Knits For Kids, but it was a pattern for a child, not a newborn. Since it was my first intarsia pattern, I didn't want to attempt it without some assurance that I could size it down. I emailed Debbie Bliss, who was most gracious and replied back that, yes, I could indeed use fingering yarn (and appropriate needle size) to size down the pattern and it worked. It came out exactly like I wanted. I'd show a pic but I don't have one of it. I hope my daughter kept the sweater, though. She does like to through things away.
Anyway, for this latest sweater I used a the skull and cross bone sweater pattern that I had previously knit in Rowan CashCotton 4 Ply for my Granddaughter Mia. Unfortunately, I took the picture of this in the summer and Mia, poor thing, wanted it off!
Since I liked how the pattern and yarn worked, I repeated the pattern again with different colors of the same yarn and a different intarsia chart. I adapted the heart chart for another sweater to a checkered heart. Why, you ask? Well, I not really a cutsie heart loving kind of gal. The only heart jewelry I own is a handcrafted heart necklace from local "sister" crafters who live in Santa Barbara. Uncharacteristically, I fell in love with one of their "heart" pieces.

So, I made a new chart and finally finished the sweater. This will be for Annabel because only Annabel will fit in it now, thanks to my procrastination
(sigh).
I do like how it turned out and I can't wait to visit and see how it fits!

To my readers: I apologize for the placement for my picture placements. I just can't seem to get Blogger to do what I want.

Silly Painted Door Test

My front door isn't painted. I have no intention of painting it, either, but I thought this one question test was fun because it reminds of a sight I encounter frequently. Whenever I venture down the mountain I live on, I drive past a house which always catches my attention. It's a modern stucco house with a flat roof that is painted all pale lavender except for the south facing side which is painted bright yellow. And on the attached deck of this side is a stunning black and white canvas gazebo. This sounds horrible, I know, but it actually isn't when seen in person. It's all done in a very tasteful way. I loved it when the owner had a life size zebra by the purple front door, but they moved that. I wonder where? I also love that they have a freestanding faded green painted door - just a door - standing by itself at the entrance to their garden. I never see who lives there and often think that when I do, I will stop and tell them how much I admire their creativity.

Your Door Says You Are Absurdly Fanciful

You are daring, unusual, and extravagant. You are like an eccentric wealthy person... Even if you don't have the money to back it up yet. You crave luxury. You love to feel rich.

The Front Door Test

St. Brigid, Patron Saint of Poetry, February 2nd

I missed it, but I still care. In honor of St. Brigid and poetry,

I submit two of my own:


Lace hands
Betray
A woman’s
Age.

Silky,
Graceful,
Welcoming
Hands


Display
Affection
And
Sage.

Written Thursday, October 9, 2008, 7:43 PM
© 2008 Elizabeth Martin


You discover who
Your true friends
Are
In the worst of times.

Those who were there
For the
Fun,
Are not there
For the
Long
Run.

It’s a lesson
Learned,

If you really
Discerned

The qualities
Of people
You once
Held dear,

And if your
Love
Was truly
Earned.

Realized

Now,
That they’re
Not
Here.

Written 10/17/08, 12:15 P.M.
© 2008 Elizabeth Martin

Annabel's Blanket

I've finally finished the long overdue blanket for my latest Granddaughter, Annabel. It is just like all my other baby blankets, the only difference being the names embellished on them and the color schemes. They are all knit with Berroco Cotton 100, an Aran weight, 100% cotton, baseball type yarn no longer produced. I think the closest yarn to it now would be Mission Falls 1824 cotton yarn. Anyway, it's a perfect yarn for a baby blanket because it is soft and cuddly and a machine wash and dry yarn, which the mom's love. For Annabel's blanket I went over her name that I had first embossed in white with extra pink yarn for an easier read. My daughter will most likely take this blanket to Annabel's day care facility for everyday use and bring it home on weekends to be washed and dried just like the one I knit for sister, Mia. Annabel will have no idea what a milestone blanket this particular one is for me or know how many tears I shed while knitting on it. But I'm happy to find knitting enjoyable once again.

I made an interesting dinner last night that came to me as I was thinking of what to prepare - pork chops encrusted with dry roasted edamame that I had found at Costco this week. I simply ground up the dry roasted edamame, added some Montreal steak seasoning to it for added flavor, dipped each chop in egg first, then in the edamame mixture and fried in a small amount of virgin olive oil. I knew the dried edamame would appeal to the crunchiness my husband loves and it wasn't until after he had eaten his pork chops and I saw him picking up extra "crust" and eating it that I told him what that crust was. Sneaky but healthy.

Now, I'm pondering what I should knit next. This is one of the best parts of knitting for me.

2009

Unlike most people, I was sad when it became 2009.   I hung on to every last minute of 2008 because my only son would not be alive in 2009 and he was in 2008.   I have struggled every day since his death and not one has gone by tearless.   I think I honestly felt that if I wished hard enough, tried hard enough, he would not be dead anymore.   And it didn't work.   I have to admit defeat.

Thank goodness that my daughter, Helen, gifted us with a new digital camera for Christmas.   It has allowed me to see some color and beauty once again.   I am a Taurus,  after all.  I cling to earth. 

Since my last blog entry, so much has happened.   I became a Grandmother for the fourth time with the birth of Annabel Katherine on June 18, 2008.   I feel very blessed by this and for all of my Grandchildren (2 boys and 2 girls).  Annabel has a two year old sister, Mia.   Mia can't decide whether she likes Elmo or books better.   I love it when a child is thrilled with books.  

My Grandsons, Jack and Hayden, are wonderful little boys and complete my Grandmother status.   They are growing up so fast.   Now that Hayden (almost 6) is in public school his once beloved and enormous Thomas The Tank collection is not "cool"." He's started saying, Thomas Sucks" (sigh) and Jack (age 7) is loving playing tag football which brings much joy to his Grandfather.  And for all of this I truly am grateful.

This is all I can talk about right now.   Sometime, perhaps I can talk about how I will never be the same.  Until then, have a  peaceful Holiday everyone.