SOMETIMES THE SIMPLE THINGS ARE THE BEST THINGS

Today,  I made some good old fashioned white bread just like my grandmother's.   I love making bread.  I especially love kneading the "live dough".   No bread machines for me.   They seem so impersonal.   Actual kneading by hand connects you more with the creation of a simple loaf of bread, at least for me.    I make bread quite often, actually.   I just never really think about it.   It never seemed blog worthy, but why not?


I've been making a whole wheat bread out of King Arthur White Whole Wheat Flour.   I never knew there was such a thing as white whole wheat flour before I saw it.  


But today, I wanted some white bread -  made with King Arthur Bread Flour.  

Is there anything quite as yummy as fresh homemade bread still warm with butter?

I don't think so.

And yesterday, I made some Apple Fritters.    They were/are delicious, too.   J.C. loves apple fritters.   The ones I made don't exactly taste like apple fritters one buys at a donut shop, but they are still a treat.

So, you see, dear readers, my life is still multi-faceted.

Even so:

I am attracted to

Melancholy.

I find it a

Comfortable

Fit.

Whenever I taste

It’s poignant

lolly

I think to myself,

That’s It!

This doesn’t

Mean

I’m negative.

It doesn’t mean

I’m blue.

It just means

That, for me,

Melancholy

Rings true.

Written 1/10/09 – 9:30 AM  (thinking of Leonard Cohen)

© 2009  Elizabeth Martin

GRIEF - It's Complicated, Really

One of the real reasons I blog so infrequently is because of my grief.    I thought I knew (before my son's death) that the death of a child must be hard.   But, in reality, I had no idea.   I have become a member of a horrific club.   It's one you never want to join:

We

Are

A

Fragmented

Cluster

Of

Sisters

Whose

Children

Are

No

More.

Society

Turns

It’s

Head

From

Us,

Wishing

Us

To

Hide

Our

Pain

And

Grief

And

Cover

Our

Souls

That

Tore

Under

The

Burden

Of

Having

Our

Children

No

More.

© Elizabeth Martin

I wrote this poem last night.   Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me.   These "awful" days come without warning and are hard to function in.    I have done a lot of reading on "grieving parents".    Isn't this such a non-label?   How is it that there is a term for women who have lost their husbands (widow) and men who have lost their wives (widower) and none for the most devastating loss of all?    

These "awful" days are normal.   I know that.   It's something that I and my "sisters" share.   It makes for "fragmented" communication between us.   One never knows what kind of day the other is having.   No one expects a response back on an "awful" day.

And the above poem brings me to another phenomenon I've experienced.    Right after my son's death, I began writing poetry.   It became an outlet for what I was feeling.   It was something I could not help but do.  It hurt to write.   It still does.   I've never written a poem without tears.    

Honestly, I rarely even read poetry before I began to write it.   Of course there were the famous poems we are taught in school.    I remember cringing if there was a poetry writing assignment.  And for good reason because my poetry was horrible.   Trust me on this. 

My daughter, Jane, turned me on to Emily Dickinson while she was a college student.   I love Emily Dickinson's Poetry.   I'll never forget the first poem she shared with me and our lengthy discussions about it:  Because I Could Not Stop For Death

This was long before Ben's death, of course.

And it was Jane, who majored in English and now teaches it,  that I turned to when I wrote my first poem.   I sent her an email titled:   "a poem (?)"

Can you correct/help?
Love.
mom>

And her response:

It doesn't need any help or corrections, it's a beautifully written poem.

This was what I sent her:

On Ben’s Death

Reality

My heart

Sinks

More each day

As

Awareness

Rises

That he is

Gone.

No more

Confidences

No more

Complaints

No more

Laughter

No more

Disagreements

No more

Small talk

No more

Reliability

No more

Annoyances

No more

Hugs

No more

My sinking

Heart

Holds this

Burden

Anchored by

Memories

© Elizabeth Martin

 So much has happened since this first poem.   Jane has since married and had her first child, a beautiful baby boy that she named Benjamin Chance (they call him "Chance").

One last poem - about those "awful" days:

Then

Come

Those

Days

Of

Debilitating

Pain

When

You

Live

In

A

Haze

Wanting

The

Light

To

Wane

And

For

Sleep

To

Rescue

You

And

Keep

You

Sane.

 © Elizabeth Martin

    writen on a particularly hard day 1/28/2010

Dear Readers,
I hope you don't mind this post.    It is an honest one.

Betty

NFL Playoff Game - San Diego Chargers vs New York Jets - 1/17/2010

Qualcom Stadium - 1/17/2010 - San Diego Chargers vs. New York Jets

We got a surprise invitation from our long time friends, Penny and Alan to go to the NFL Play-off game between the San Diego Chargers and the New York Jets this past sunday.   Of course, we accepted!
Even though it was a gloomy day and actually started raining near the end of the game, we had a fabulous time.    Penny and Alan's daughters and son in law had a fun and yummy tail-gate party before the game.   I had no idea how there was this "other world" of tail gaters!   You should have seen some of the parties there.   It was said that Rachel Ray was there to scan the food served.   We didn't see her but it was clear that everyone loved this part of the whole game day experience.   I even had a few people tell me that the tail gate party was the best part of the whole football game experience.

J.C., Carol, me, Alan & Penny

We have known Penny and Alan since 1970.   We lived next door to each other at UCLA Married Student Housing.  What a great experience that was!   Honestly, think of the movie "The Big Chill" and you will begin to know what I'm talking about.  Carol is Penny's best friend and they went to high school together.   Carol's husband, Bill, was kind enough to snap this picture of us.   As you can see, we were there pretty doggone early since the parking lot is still pretty empty.   We left at 8 AM and the kick off was at 1:40 PM.

After the game, we all parted ways and JC and I went to Escondido to see JC's sister, Melody, who was at her time share condo this week at Lawrence Welk Resorts.  Melody is not only my sister-in-law but my dearest and closest friend.  I have known her since she was 8 years old, when I first started dating her brother.  We immediately "took to each other" despite our age difference.  She still talks of how I took her with me to Los Angeles to look for an apartment for JC, Ben and I to live in before we were accepted to UCLA married student housing.    She couldn't believe I would take her on such an adventure.   She was great company even then.   We found a one bedroom apartment off Robertson Blvd. on Canfield Ave. that day.    Living there was a fun experience, also.   I hadn't realized it when I rented that we were the only "gentiles" in the entire building!   I didn't even know what that meant when I first heard it.   That's when we first discovered Canters Deli, a place we still frequent when in LA.   Even Melody goes there.

                                                                    Melody and I


Our daughter, Anne, also went to Lawrence Welf Villas with her two boys for the weekend.   Anne and her girlfriend, Kelli, had a condo booked for the weekend there in a newer section.  They have wonderful pool areas there and despite the weather, Jack and Hayden made the best of it:

                                                                                                                  

Hayden

                                                    Jack
I treasure each and every time I can get together with my family.

New Year - 2010

Hubby and I traveled to San Francisco on New Year's Eve and spent time with our 3 daughters and our 5 grandchildren. It was a very enjoyable visit. Hubby and daughters spent many hours throwing baseballs to our grandsons as they are getting ready to start Little League. My daughter's, Anne and Helen are really quite the athletes, themselves. They both played softball (among many other sports) in high school and while in Oregon, their team won the state championship. Helen was a catcher and Anne played shortstop and pitcher.

We also had some delicious food, of course and I had a great time teaching my granddaughter, Mia, how to make meatballs.

But the highlight of our trip was a family outing to Alcatraz, courtesy of my daughter, Anne.   It was a beautiful,  San Francisco day when we went.  

                                                                  And, oh the views!  

It was because of my grandson, Jack, that we went.   He had heard about Alcatraz and really wanted to go and see it.   He wanted to stay longer than we were able to.   When I got home, I ordered a children's book about a boy who lived on Alcatraz.    It was interesting to learn that families lived on Alcatraz.   There is an apartment building still there that housed them.    There are other smaller houses that are no longer there.    These all were for the guards and their wives and children.  
When you arrive, you are given a set of headphones (see Jack) and these provide you with a guided tour with interesting facts and stories about Alcatraz.

I'd go back in a heartbeat!   There's a night tour, too.   The lights of San Francisco would fantastic.
 I love San Francisco!